it has been a long time since I have writen
in this journal. Laziness seems to get the best of me.
speaking of that, i am too lazy to write in 日本語
so 英語で頑張って読んでください.


so taday, i talked to my mom....
you know everytime I call her, she always says:

"when are you coming 'home'"

it drives me nuts. dude Japan is my home.
And I have told her that several times.
MeYouKey incouraged me to actually tell her to stop
using those words like 'home' and 'staying in Japan'
so I will the next time we talked.
I just figured that she would stop if I told her
that this is my home. but i guess not.

As MeYouKey will point out, i am a mammas boy.
I am the youngest of four kids(3girls and me), and
she considers me like a "special son." ....
lets not forget that she replaced me as the baby a
long time ago with her new son when I was 13.
(she remairied when I was 10 and had a baby with him).


so lets get to it.

here is the conversation - in short

mom: "if you are never coming home, I just
want you to say it."
xsi: "if i did, would you be able to accept it?"
mom: "well I would feel like i didn't have another son"
(this is what killed me)

can you beleive it? she is basing me being apart of her
family and her life by how close i am to her.

so should i start saying that I don't have a mother?

of course not.


well to sum things up, i was hurt, but sadly it is
something that I am used to. i grew up with the
whole emotional manipulation thing.

but i am not ok with it anymore.

Mom, if you ever read this, i want you to know, that
you replaced me a long time ago, so why do you have
to worry if I am gone or not?

maybe that is just the hurt little boy inside of me, or maybe its the man coming out? i have no idea.

I just want to be a good man, with or without her in my life.


I am so greatful for my MeYouKey.

Honey, thank you so much for suporting me and helping me.
I value your advise so much.

I love you.




well that was this morning in a nutshell. I might add more later. I just wanted to get it out.


later.

xsismx


ps- everyone who comes to my site, thank you too!