日々が戦い!
新しい職場で働き始めて2ヶ月弱。相変わらず馴染めない。子供の頃から国内外問わず、あっちこっちを転々してきた私にとって馴染めないなんてことは今まであったことがない。その原因は毎日のように浴びせられる言葉の暴力の数々。「都会から来た新人」「使えない」「協調性ゼロ」などなど言いたい放題。もちろん周囲も矛先が自分達が向いては困るものだから、見てみぬふり。よくまぁここまで毎日、飽きずに言うことを思いつくな~とこっちが唖然とするぐらい。これが大の大人がすることか?!と本当に目を疑いたくなる。私にも思いあたる落ち度があるのであれば、私も悪いと思うし、直さなくてはいけないと思う。しかし、なぜ、こんな目に遭わなくてはいけないのか?!まったくわからない。身体の暴力は身体が回復すれば、そこそこ自然と心の傷も癒える。しかし、言葉の暴力はいつまでも心に突き刺さり、癒えることはない。むしろ消せないトラウマになる。15歳で父の赴任先の米国から帰国した時、やはりいじめにあったという過去がある。それは心身の暴力だった。無視されたり、教科書を隠されたり、図書室に外側から閉じ込められたり。「米国帰りは言葉が訛ってる」「生意気」「米国かぶれ」などなど言いたい放題。担任の英語教師も加担したものだから、本当に最悪だった。あの頃は親に心配をかけまいと、必死だった。よく声を殺して、寝床に入りながら泣いたことも、愛犬の散歩に行って土手で泣いたこともある。死ねば楽になるのかなぁ~なんて真剣に考えて、遺書だって書いたこともある。何が自分を思い留まらせたのか?!あまりよく覚えていないけど、一つだけ思ったのは「いじめた連中、全員をいつか見返してやる!」そんな強い気持ちだった。そしてマンガのように「デスノート」があれば、連中の名前を書いちゃうかも!?(苦笑)そのくらい、あの頃は本当に心身共に追い込まれていた。だから、いじめによる自殺のニュースを聞く度に人ごとではないと思うし、そこまで追い込まれる子の気持ちも痛いほどよくわかる。大人でもこんなくだらんいじめがあるのに、子供のいじめがなくなるわけないだろうなんてよく思う。本当にそう思う。今、まさに15歳の自分がここにいる気がしてならない。ただ、あの頃と違うことが一つある。それはあの頃は楽になる事や逃げる事しか、ひたすら考えていなかったような気がする。でも今日休めば、自分にも、毎日のように言葉の暴力を浴びせる相手にも負ける気がする。それにいじめる相手と精神的に同じレベルにいたくない。向こうが精神的に幼稚であれば、せめて自分が精神的に大人でなくてはね。私は何も悪くない、だから堂々としていればいい。雑魚どもは相手にしない。そう自分に言い聞かせながら、毎朝が始まる。その点では15歳の頃の経験が自分を成長させたのかもしれない。そう思いながら、足取り重く、今日も仕事に出かける。でも、さすがにそろそろ限界かな?!と思わなくもなく、真剣に転職を考え始めている今日この頃です。It's been almost 2 months since I started working in the new office.And I still haven't gotten used to the office atmosphere.I have been moving around both in/out of Japan since I was a little girl.So not being able to adjust to the new environment is unreal.But the reason why I can't get used to the office atmosphere is because there is daily verbal violences."New person from the city area", "You are useless", "You have no cooperative atmosphere and etc.No one helps me because they fear that they'll be the next target,so they just let it pass by as if nothing was happening.It surpries me that they can come up with something so nasty to say everyday. It also surprises me that this is done by adults,too.But I don't understand why this is happening to me.If there was a fault on my side,than I must make some improvements of my own.I just can't figure out the reason for this.Physical violence can cure and heal naturally when the injuries cure.But verbal violence will always have a thorn stuck in your heart and won'theal at all. Infact, it becomes a trauma.When I was 15 years old, I came back from U.S., where my dad was transferred. I experienced both physical and verbal violences.Everyone ignored me, they hid my text books, locked me up from the outside in the library and etc. They also said, "You talk funny Japanese. You have an American dialect.", "Impertinence", "American wanna be" and etc.My homeroom teacher, who also was an English teacher joined her students,so it really was a daily nightmare for me.I didn't want to worry my parents, so I tried very hard to make things look alright. I cried by myself being careful not to be noticed when I went to bed and I also cried when I took my family dog out for a walk. Just so that it won't be noticed. I seriously thought about dying then, too. And I even wrote a will.I don't remember why I didn't die, but I do remember having a strong feeling that, "Someday, I'll get back at everyone who gave me both physical and verbal violences."If there's a "DeathNote" like the comic, maybe I'll write some names down, huh?!Anways, I was mentally living on the edge then.Everytime I hear the sad news of suicides because of physical or verbal violences, I don't think it could happen to anyone and I also can understand why these people must take their lives on their own.They were really living mentally on the edge.I also think that there are physical and verbal violences in the world of adults.How could physical and verva violences of children disappear?I really wonder.And I feel that 15 years old "me" is back nowadays.But there is one thing different from when I was 15 years old.When I was 15 years old, all I thought about was getting away and escaping from reality.But now, if I take a day off from work, I feel like a loser to both myselfand those who give me verbal violences everyday.I also don't ant to be on the mentally same level as my attackers either.If they act like children mentally, than I must be more adult like, don't you think so?!My mornings start by telling myself, "It'snot my fault because I have done nothing wrong.I must be proud and igonore them, dummies!"I guess that an experience that I went through wen I was 15 years old mademe grow up a bit.Although my footsteps aren't too eager every morning, I go to work again.But my mental limit is amost there and I think about looking for a new job nowadays.